Hmm. I think my biggest issue with this is the opening dialogue. (Up to just after the gender discussion, actually.) It might work better if it were part of something longer and Kimmy and Scott's personalities were better established, but... As it stands all I have to determine their personalities and states of mind is the dialogue and, if I'm honest, I'm not getting a sense of Kimmy's panic. That might be partially why your gender discussion there sounds forced, but I'm not sure.)
The story, for me, doesn't really pick up until after that discussion when Scott's found the wall. You've established a bit of where they are - enough to form a very rough idea - you've established who they are and given us a glimpse of their relationship and their issue. It... *ruffles hair* I can see the need behind the opening paragraphs being what they are, but they don't... ring true for me. If that's making sense.
After the story starts to pick up, though, you've got my interest good. The sparse descriptions work really well and there's a strong sense of Backstory between Scott and Kimmy that we just haven't heard yet. (There's also the question of who/what they are which I find incredibly intruiging. They obviously know, but find it normal enough not to warrant more comments than cursory ones.)
Sorry. My commenting skills are usually at least a little better than this. I did like it, and am sad to see that it's unfinished. That's a really mean place to leave the piece hanging, that is!
I hope that helps some! Is there any more to this piece anywhere? I'm slow-as-molasses with reading unless regularly poked, but I'd love to see how this continues. ^-^
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2011-08-11 01:26 pm (UTC)The story, for me, doesn't really pick up until after that discussion when Scott's found the wall. You've established a bit of where they are - enough to form a very rough idea - you've established who they are and given us a glimpse of their relationship and their issue. It... *ruffles hair* I can see the need behind the opening paragraphs being what they are, but they don't... ring true for me. If that's making sense.
After the story starts to pick up, though, you've got my interest good. The sparse descriptions work really well and there's a strong sense of Backstory between Scott and Kimmy that we just haven't heard yet. (There's also the question of who/what they are which I find incredibly intruiging. They obviously know, but find it normal enough not to warrant more comments than cursory ones.)
Sorry. My commenting skills are usually at least a little better than this. I did like it, and am sad to see that it's unfinished. That's a really mean place to leave the piece hanging, that is!
I hope that helps some! Is there any more to this piece anywhere? I'm slow-as-molasses with reading unless regularly poked, but I'd love to see how this continues. ^-^