Closed Circle
Apr. 27th, 2011 10:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
clare_dragonflyTitle: Closed Circle
Word count: 1011
Rating: PG-13 for language
Prompt: 3WW: evident, illusion, tragic
Notes: So this isn't done, obviously, but it just sort of spilled out so I figured I'd post what I have. I don't know who they are or where they got there, and I only have a vague idea of where they are.
Also, I have lots of new writerly friends so I figure I should make my thoughts on comments a little more explicit! Any kind of comment on my writing is absolutely welcome. That ranges from "this is cool"-type comments to typo-picking to serious concrit. Concrit is love. Plus, if you give good concrit you will probably get added to my beta readers access group, which means you'll see a little more fiction from me, and what you see will be longer. That may or may not be an incentive ;)
“Where are we?”
“Calm down a minute, Kimmy, let me—”
“No, I will not calm down.” Kimmy grabbed Scott’s wrists and forcibly held him still. “Where the hell are we?”
“I don’t fucking know, okay?” He wrenched his wrists out of her grip and continued his pacing. “Just let me… let me figure this out.”
He heard her suck in a deep breath. He could just barely see the movement of her chest in the dim, bluish light. “Okay. Fine.” Her voice was tightly controlled. “You use your amazing brain and I’ll just wait because I’m the woman.”
“No, that’s not—that’s not why, okay?” He inched sideways, feeling that there was a wall not far away. His outstretched hand encountered something cold. Bingo. “It’s just that I’m not freaking out as much as you. If you have any ideas, please let me know so we can work together. I think I found a wall.”
“A wall?” Movement again, then her hands hit the wall in front of him. “A… stone wall?”
“Feels like it.” He ran his hands over it. Rough, mortared stone. “Pretty solid. Your night vision is better than mine, can you see anything interesting?”
Her head moved. After a minute he realized she was shaking her head. “There’s nothing to see. The wall must be totally dry; otherwise that light would be shining off it.”
He took a step forward and managed to put one hand on her shoulder without smacking her. Her skin was chilled and he tried to squeeze it reassuringly. “See? Once you stop panicking you can think better than me. I didn’t notice that.”
She smiled. The light did glint off her teeth. “Okay, I guess you’re right.”
“Now I think we’d better figure out how big this room is.”
“You got that from Poe.”
“Well, yeah. But there are two of us. I don’t suppose you know how long your stride is?”
“Actually, I do. It’s a foot and a half exactly.”
He couldn’t help laughing. “See? It’s evident you’re the woman for the job. Right, I’ll stay right here so you know when you’ve gotten all the way around the room. You measure it with your perfect stride.”
She silently squeezed the hand that was on her shoulder, then removed it. She turned, pressed her back to him, and stepped away.
Scott closed his eyes. It hardly made any difference—almost none at all, once Kimmy walked far enough away that he couldn’t see her. But closing his eyes seemed to make his hearing sharper, so he could hear her footsteps, and little breathy noises that must have been her counting to herself. The footsteps never faded away far enough that he couldn’t hear them at all. He was tempted to bend down, see what kind of floor her shoes were making that clacking sound against, but he was afraid that if he moved at all, his spot would be lost and they wouldn’t know anything about the size of the room.
As he was distracted with that thought, the sound stopped.
He held his breath, feeling sweat start to break out on his forehead. His ears strained, but there was nothing. He opened his eyes and tried to look in the direction her footsteps had last been, but still couldn’t see anything. “Kimmy?” The sound came out quieter and shakier than he expected, but she heard it.
Her reply was immediate. “I think I found a door.”
“A door?” He started to step away from the wall, but remembered just in time. “Okay… um, can you finish going around the room and then we’ll check out the door? I don’t want to have to start over.”
She paused, then let out a sigh. “Sorry. I lost count. Can you just come over here?”
“Sure.” He might have been a little more eager to move than he should have been, but he walked toward her voice, his arms stretched out in front of him.
“More to your right,” she called.
He shook his head and corrected his stride. “How can you see so much better than me?”
“Well, you’re kind of shiny. My skin doesn’t reflect so much.”
Her voice was coming closer. Then his hand encountered something soft. She smacked it away. “You’re going to blame that on the light, aren’t you?”
“Hey, I can’t see your shirt either.” He allowed her to take his hand and move it away from her breast, onto the wall. Then he felt it too. “It’s just wood.”
“Exactly. See if you can find a doorknob?”
He did, in a matter of moments, but it seemed to be locked. He turned it and jiggled it as hard as he could. “I guess we’re locked in. What a surprise.”
“How the fuck did we even get here?”
“I wish I knew. Hang on…” He took a step back, then a deep breath, and drove his foot as hard as he could toward the door. Then he got his real surprise.
It went right through.
Light spilled in, real, bright light that made Scott shield his eyes for a moment. Kimmy’s jeans-covered legs suddenly came into sharp relief. Splinters threw sharp shadows onto the pale tile floor.
After his eyes adjusted, he realized that the brightness was an illusion caused by the previous darkness of the room; the light outside was nothing more than firelight or some kind of dim lamplight. He couldn’t even see what the floor was outside. Too much of the door shadowed it.
“Well, that’s not very secure.” Kimmy’s voice was breathless. “Come on, Scott, I can’t kick it with my heels.”
“Right.” He shook his head to clear it. If they could get out this way, that would be much more helpful than trying to figure out where they were. He kicked at it again and again. The wood must have been rotted, giving way with relative ease to his sneakers. Eventually, he’d broken open a hole big enough for Kimmy to get through, and she scrambled out.
Word count: 1011
Rating: PG-13 for language
Prompt: 3WW: evident, illusion, tragic
Notes: So this isn't done, obviously, but it just sort of spilled out so I figured I'd post what I have. I don't know who they are or where they got there, and I only have a vague idea of where they are.
Also, I have lots of new writerly friends so I figure I should make my thoughts on comments a little more explicit! Any kind of comment on my writing is absolutely welcome. That ranges from "this is cool"-type comments to typo-picking to serious concrit. Concrit is love. Plus, if you give good concrit you will probably get added to my beta readers access group, which means you'll see a little more fiction from me, and what you see will be longer. That may or may not be an incentive ;)
“Where are we?”
“Calm down a minute, Kimmy, let me—”
“No, I will not calm down.” Kimmy grabbed Scott’s wrists and forcibly held him still. “Where the hell are we?”
“I don’t fucking know, okay?” He wrenched his wrists out of her grip and continued his pacing. “Just let me… let me figure this out.”
He heard her suck in a deep breath. He could just barely see the movement of her chest in the dim, bluish light. “Okay. Fine.” Her voice was tightly controlled. “You use your amazing brain and I’ll just wait because I’m the woman.”
“No, that’s not—that’s not why, okay?” He inched sideways, feeling that there was a wall not far away. His outstretched hand encountered something cold. Bingo. “It’s just that I’m not freaking out as much as you. If you have any ideas, please let me know so we can work together. I think I found a wall.”
“A wall?” Movement again, then her hands hit the wall in front of him. “A… stone wall?”
“Feels like it.” He ran his hands over it. Rough, mortared stone. “Pretty solid. Your night vision is better than mine, can you see anything interesting?”
Her head moved. After a minute he realized she was shaking her head. “There’s nothing to see. The wall must be totally dry; otherwise that light would be shining off it.”
He took a step forward and managed to put one hand on her shoulder without smacking her. Her skin was chilled and he tried to squeeze it reassuringly. “See? Once you stop panicking you can think better than me. I didn’t notice that.”
She smiled. The light did glint off her teeth. “Okay, I guess you’re right.”
“Now I think we’d better figure out how big this room is.”
“You got that from Poe.”
“Well, yeah. But there are two of us. I don’t suppose you know how long your stride is?”
“Actually, I do. It’s a foot and a half exactly.”
He couldn’t help laughing. “See? It’s evident you’re the woman for the job. Right, I’ll stay right here so you know when you’ve gotten all the way around the room. You measure it with your perfect stride.”
She silently squeezed the hand that was on her shoulder, then removed it. She turned, pressed her back to him, and stepped away.
Scott closed his eyes. It hardly made any difference—almost none at all, once Kimmy walked far enough away that he couldn’t see her. But closing his eyes seemed to make his hearing sharper, so he could hear her footsteps, and little breathy noises that must have been her counting to herself. The footsteps never faded away far enough that he couldn’t hear them at all. He was tempted to bend down, see what kind of floor her shoes were making that clacking sound against, but he was afraid that if he moved at all, his spot would be lost and they wouldn’t know anything about the size of the room.
As he was distracted with that thought, the sound stopped.
He held his breath, feeling sweat start to break out on his forehead. His ears strained, but there was nothing. He opened his eyes and tried to look in the direction her footsteps had last been, but still couldn’t see anything. “Kimmy?” The sound came out quieter and shakier than he expected, but she heard it.
Her reply was immediate. “I think I found a door.”
“A door?” He started to step away from the wall, but remembered just in time. “Okay… um, can you finish going around the room and then we’ll check out the door? I don’t want to have to start over.”
She paused, then let out a sigh. “Sorry. I lost count. Can you just come over here?”
“Sure.” He might have been a little more eager to move than he should have been, but he walked toward her voice, his arms stretched out in front of him.
“More to your right,” she called.
He shook his head and corrected his stride. “How can you see so much better than me?”
“Well, you’re kind of shiny. My skin doesn’t reflect so much.”
Her voice was coming closer. Then his hand encountered something soft. She smacked it away. “You’re going to blame that on the light, aren’t you?”
“Hey, I can’t see your shirt either.” He allowed her to take his hand and move it away from her breast, onto the wall. Then he felt it too. “It’s just wood.”
“Exactly. See if you can find a doorknob?”
He did, in a matter of moments, but it seemed to be locked. He turned it and jiggled it as hard as he could. “I guess we’re locked in. What a surprise.”
“How the fuck did we even get here?”
“I wish I knew. Hang on…” He took a step back, then a deep breath, and drove his foot as hard as he could toward the door. Then he got his real surprise.
It went right through.
Light spilled in, real, bright light that made Scott shield his eyes for a moment. Kimmy’s jeans-covered legs suddenly came into sharp relief. Splinters threw sharp shadows onto the pale tile floor.
After his eyes adjusted, he realized that the brightness was an illusion caused by the previous darkness of the room; the light outside was nothing more than firelight or some kind of dim lamplight. He couldn’t even see what the floor was outside. Too much of the door shadowed it.
“Well, that’s not very secure.” Kimmy’s voice was breathless. “Come on, Scott, I can’t kick it with my heels.”
“Right.” He shook his head to clear it. If they could get out this way, that would be much more helpful than trying to figure out where they were. He kicked at it again and again. The wood must have been rotted, giving way with relative ease to his sneakers. Eventually, he’d broken open a hole big enough for Kimmy to get through, and she scrambled out.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-28 05:22 am (UTC)I liked this - you have a nice writing style :)
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Date: 2011-04-28 03:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-28 01:06 pm (UTC)Typo: He head her suck...
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Date: 2011-04-28 01:07 pm (UTC)I found the gender discussion interesting, but it felt a tiny bit forced, not sure why.
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Date: 2011-04-28 04:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-02 05:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-28 04:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-28 04:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-28 07:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-28 09:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-30 05:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-30 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-11 01:26 pm (UTC)The story, for me, doesn't really pick up until after that discussion when Scott's found the wall. You've established a bit of where they are - enough to form a very rough idea - you've established who they are and given us a glimpse of their relationship and their issue. It... *ruffles hair* I can see the need behind the opening paragraphs being what they are, but they don't... ring true for me. If that's making sense.
After the story starts to pick up, though, you've got my interest good. The sparse descriptions work really well and there's a strong sense of Backstory between Scott and Kimmy that we just haven't heard yet. (There's also the question of who/what they are which I find incredibly intruiging. They obviously know, but find it normal enough not to warrant more comments than cursory ones.)
Sorry. My commenting skills are usually at least a little better than this. I did like it, and am sad to see that it's unfinished. That's a really mean place to leave the piece hanging, that is!
I hope that helps some! Is there any more to this piece anywhere? I'm slow-as-molasses with reading unless regularly poked, but I'd love to see how this continues. ^-^
no subject
Date: 2011-08-11 04:13 pm (UTC)There is no more to this piece yet, though I have some idea of where it's going. It's on my list of things to finish eventually! XD I think your commenting skills are excellent and I am officially putting you on the beta list!
no subject
Date: 2011-08-11 06:18 pm (UTC)Awww, thank you. <3 I used to be much better at comments, though. I was less self-conscious and spent at least two hours of every day leaving them. (If there's anything you ever really want my comments on, do let me know. I daren't make promises on comments otherwise, though I'd love the opportunity, thank you! ^-^)
(Also, I have a use for this icon now! YAY!)